Amsterdam

This is me, halfway to Amsterdam, on a layover in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. It was a few months after a particularly difficult breakup, the kind that feels like waking up from a bad dream and not recognizing yourself anymore. When had I become a person who accepted unacceptable things? Why had I allowed toxicity to take up residence in my life for so long?

I had planned the 5-day Amsterdam trip with my ex for Valentine’s Day. I almost canceled. I had never been out of the country alone. The thought of being so far away from everyone I knew in an unfamiliar place scared me. In the end, my defiance trumped my fear and social anxiety. I was going to Amsterdam to find the Kenesha who did things that scared her.

I found an Amsterdam expat group on Facebook and lurked for a few days until I found S, a pretty Black woman who seemed nice and approachable. Is there a non-sketchy way to say “Hello, Internet Stranger. I’m going to be in Amsterdam in a week. You wanna hang out?” I guess so, because she agreed. We met up on Valentine’s Day and had lunch in a quaint cafe. I tried Dutch pancakes and stroopwafels and learned about high tea. We toured a few museums together. She told me she was an aspiring artist, and I later bought a piece from her that still hangs in my home today.

Google had helped me find With Locals, a company that pairs tourists with local citizens for private, personalized tours and experiences. I was paired with O, a tall, blonde charmer who reminded me that there was still something alive inside me. He taught me about local culture while we walked the cobblestone streets of his city and hung out in crowded coffeeshops.

I spent the last day alone. I visited the Anne Frank House, took a boat ride through the canals and toured the Red Light District museum. I felt a sense of satisfaction as I packed for the flight home. I remembered that I was still capable of doing big, scary things. I could still connect with people. I could still live, and still love. I had found me again. Most importantly, I loved the me that I found.

And then I met Steven…